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BRETT FAVRE RETURNS; WISCONSIN ELKS UNIMPRESSED
The most anticipated announcement in the history of the greater Milwaukee area happened on Tuesday, when Brett Favre finally informed his legions of fans that he will indeed be returning to the Packers in the 2006 season.
Speaking of royalty, Favre's announcement was made at the local Sheraton, which was decorated as if a king would be speaking there. Which, according to sources at the Wisconsin Elks Convention occurring there at the time, was exactly what happened. King Brett stepped out of his cheese-colored limo and strode bravely to the stage, wearing a crown and carrying a scepter, paused for dramatic effect, and loudly announced: "People of Green Bay, I come to you today to announce a decision, one for which you all thirsted for, much like babies awaiting a suckle from their mothers’ teet. Fear not, my loyal subjects: I shall not make you wait any longer to hear the details of this glorious event. I announce to you that I, King Brett Favre, will return again to lead your Packers on the field of battle. You will get one more season of witnessing my rapidly diminishing greatness, and these crumbs will be delicious. You can rejoice.......now." With that, the dozens of fans and sleepy guests of the hotel who wondered what the hell was going on erupted in a smattering of applause. Others scanned the room for fresh danish. After concluding his remarks, Favre produced a football from the folds of his cloak, did a quick three-step drop on the dais, pumped twice, then scrambled around the cramped hotel dining room, ducking and weaving around conventioneers with plates full of food, before stumbling and unleashing a wobbly spiral that was snagged from midair by a 14-year-old boy in a Minnesota Vikings t-shirt. "I JUST LOVE TO PLAY THE GAME!" Favre yelled from the ground, with two fists pumped high in the air. Then, as fast as he came, he left, amid the releasing of doves and the din of his trumpeters. |
Barney Felderman, life-long Packer fan and native Milwaukee resident, could not hold back his glee. "I haven't been this excited since I happened upon the hours-fresh carcass of the buck, whose head now adorns my den, while walking through the woods looking for empty beer bottles. 8 pointer, I shit you not. The whole family ate like royalty that week."