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RELEASE OF NFL SCHEDULE CONFUSES, ANGERS COACHES AND PLAYERS
In what has become an annual April ritual of protest and indignation around the NFL, numerous coaches and players were vocal and agitated following the release of the NFL's 17-week schedule Thursday.
Players young and old were despondent. Buffalo Bills quarterback J.P. Losman: "It feels like a big cosmic joke. The Patriots win the Super Bowl like every other year since I was a kid, and it seems like we have to play them TWO TIMES like EVERY SINGLE YEAR? That just doesn't seem right. Does that seem fair to you? We may as well just pack it in again this year." New Detroit Lions head coach Rod Marinelli was inconsolable. As team security officials escorted him out of the building he was overheard shouting "I was told I'd have the holidays off! THANKSGIVING IS FOR FAMILY GODDAMMIT!@ WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF LEAGUE IS THIS ANYWAY?" When notified of the schedule controversy, Brett Favre indicated that he might retire. "I'm really at a crossroads right now. Well, I was before, but now I'm really, really at a crossroads. I guess, before, I was a couple feet away from actually reaching the crossroads, but now, after this shit, I'm standing smack dab in the middle of the crossroads, and cars and trucks are whizzing by at an incredible rate of speed. It's pretty frightening. I think what I'll do is schedule a press conference to announce when the next press conference will be, concerning my retirement. Or....continuation of....playing." Upon learning that he'd have to play in at least 8 cold weather games this year, upstart Cleveland QB Charlie Frye reportedly threw a Gatorade jug at his locker. "THAT'S TWO YEARS IN A ROW NOW!!!", an incredulous Frye screamed, just before running out of the lockerroom. League officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, were not sympathetic. "Look, there's something like 35 or 40 teams in the league right now, and they all have this huge fucking complex like we're out to get them or something. Sometimes we play off of that, just for kicks. Like, as much as we hate getting sued, we love, LOVE, fucking with the Raiders. Bunch of candy-asses. A lot of us wish Al Davis would just die already. Hey you aren't writing this down are you?" |
Tampa Bay Buccaneers head coach Jon Gruden was among the first to let the spittle fly: "EIGHT ROAD GAMES???!@ What the fuck??? Why do they pull this shit with us every single year? Can someone give me some answers dammit?"