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Culpepper the Happy Dolphin: A Tale of Redemption
At the start of the 2005 season, quarterback Daunte Culpepper was angry. The Minnesota Vikings had a new owner. His team had just traded away its other freakishly talented black player, Randy Moss, and asked Culpepper to believe that a guy named Nate Burleson was actually a wide receiver in the National Football League. These developments confused Culpepper.
"Yeah, I didn't get it why they traded Randy. With Randy, things were happy. I made Pro Bowls heaving the ball to his general vicinity 60 yards downfield. Then all of a sudden they told me I had to figure out where to throw it by myself. That wasn't right, man. Wasn't right." As the season progressed, Culpepper lashed out, throwing the ball to the other team in protest, as a cry for help, as a dying wish that things just go back to the way they were. "It was almost like I didn't care who caught the ball, I was just upset. People don't understand, it's hard work having to figure out where people on the defense are before you throw it." According to former head coach Mike Tice, "Hey look, nobody wanted to see Daunte succeed more than me. I'm never going to be a head coach in the NFL again." But you can never return home. This message was writ large for Culpepper one dark night on Lake Minnetonka. The details have been exhaustively examined by the American public and need not be recounted here. As Culpepper tried to confess his fears and insecurities to any stripper who would stop and listen, his teammates wouldn't allow it, squirreling his matronly confessors off into dark corners of the ship for hardcore sex. A woman who was on the boat that night, who asked to be identified as "Brandy," summed it up: "It was just fun, you know, everyone having a good time. But the big guy, he just looked creepy and mad. So I tried sticking my ass in his face, you know, to cheer him up and all, but he just started crying. It was so weird!" According to running back Mewelde Moore, "Yeah Daunte was just moping around all that night, bringing everyone down. I don't know what his deal was. I remember at one point, yeah, it was right after Moe Williams and me had a little 'swordfight' in Candi's mouth because it was before that one Mexican ho started squirting courvoisier shots out her vagina.... damn...." Later, as the details were read to Culpepper from newspaper clippings, it slowly dawned on him that this was no longer his team, and that he should go to the nearest clinic immediately for tests. Culpepper welcomed the destruction of his right knee that soon followed. He was not surprised when "his" team rallied around a quarterback who was in all respects Culpepper's opposite--aging, white, immobile, able to read defenses, capable of managing games, had won a Super Bowl. He went to work rehabilitating his knee. For the first time in his life, Culpepper was all alone--no Moss, no Tice, no hookers. Just Daunte, his busted knee and his limited football intelligence. Things hit rock bottom. Culpepper spent his days limping around the streets of Minneapolis, staring meaningfully at lakes and other bodies of water. Culpepper hatched a plan. He would make his feelings known. Daunte had to be Daunte, if it was in Minnesota or not. "Yeah I started sending all these weird-ass e-mails to the media demanding a trade. Man y'all ate that shit up! But I didn't think even the Vikings would be dumb enough to trade away their best player. At some point they had to realize how fucking retarded that would be." But, to Culpepper's great surprise and delight, the Minnesota Vikings were exactly that fucking retarded. According to new head coach Brad Childress, "Well, sure, Daunte is freakishly talented, the kind of quarterback who comes along once in a generation, is just entering his prime, reads story books to children in the burn ward in his off-time, and works to create a better world for us all every day on the off-chance that he spreads his seed by knocking up some randomly fortunate woman, but Brad Johnson is a slow white quarterback who still has two good years left in him. We couldn't let that go to waste. Honestly our hands were tied." The trade talks were nervous times for Culpepper. His fate was in the hands of another slow white quarterback named Drew Brees, the subject of an inexplicable bidding war that Culpepper can laugh about now. "For a couple days there I was all, here we go again. What is the fascination you people have with white quarterbacks? I really don't understand it!" But, to quote the title of a play by William Shakespeare, because we're literary and shit, all's well that ends well. Culpepper is happily a Miami Dolphin. Miami coach Nick Saban: "I can't believe all they wanted for that guy was a second round draft pick. One fucking draft pick! I told Chris Chambers to clean out his locker because he was going to Bumfuck, Minnesota on the next plane, but they didn't even ask for a player in trade! Can you believe it? Shit I should have jumped back to the NFL ten years ago, I'd have eight Super Bowls by now!" There are still uncertainties and open questions for Culpepper. Can he function without Randy Moss? Did he do too much damage to his right knee in his self-destructive efforts to quit the team? How will the higher caliber of hookers and party boats in south Florida affect his performance? But today, in Culpepper's mind, all of the questions and dark days of the past have been laid to rest with one word: fuckin' redemption. "Yeah, this is a new start for me. I'm gonna work hard, try to figure out how NFL defenses work, things like that. I'm just happy to be here. This is all right, man. All right." |
