James Signs With the Goddamn Cardinals
In a move designed to fuck over fantasy teams nationwide, Edgerrin James signed a four year deal with the Goddamn Cardinals on Sunday.
The move gives the Cardinals another young playmaker to go along with wide receivers Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin, one of the best duos in the league. It also pisses off a lot of fantasy owners in keeper leagues, as James leaves the juggernaut offense in Indianapolis and joins a team with an offensive line that might just get him killed.
“I can’t believe he signed with the Goddamn Cardinals,” stated a distraught Craig Wickler of Des Moines. “I mean, I still have to keep him, right? I can’t just drop him, can I? This is an inner struggle that will leave me tormented for months to come. All life is a dark, unforgiving scam with me as the victim.”
The signing brings to mind Derrick Mason’s departure from the Titans last season to play in Baltimore, home of a pathetic pass offense led by Kyle Fucking Boller.
“Last year, I was going to keep Mason until I saw he signed on to play with Kyle Fucking Boller,” continued Wickler. “However, he being an aging wide receiver and what would have amounted to my third keeper, it wasn’t that severe of a blow. But a top 5 running back going to the Goddamn Cardinals? When did Bidwell suddenly give a shit about his team? I seriously want to kill him.”
Analysts agree that with two dynamic young wide receivers and a veteran quarterback at the helm, it’s unlikely opposing defenses will be able to stack the box and possibly allow some running room for James. These same analysts also agree that unless the Cardinals add some talent to the line, the slow, underachieving fatasses that occupy the slots now will continue to get toasted by everybody, leading to James’ demise.
“It’s a great signing for the Cards, it really is,” continued Wickler. “I just wish they weren’t such a fucking pathetic excuse for a football organization. They’re lower than the Clippers on the sports suckitude scale. The Clippers!”
