|
||||||||
|
Raiders Search For New Coach Begins
Shortly after re-hiring Art Shell to be his team’s head coach, Al Davis announced his plans to pursue anyone with a pulse to replace him. “We’d like to move in a different direction,” Davis said in a press conference Monday. “We’ve opened up the search to include college coaches, high school coaches, or life-long Raider fans.” Later in the press conference, Davis explained how he was dismayed to hear Darth Raider backed out of negotiations at the last second. “We had him on the hook, but he wriggled off.” In a written statement, Mr. Raider revealed his reasoning for not accepting the position. “I’ve reluctantly decided to decline the generous offer by Mr. Davis to become Art Shell’s replacement. I decided it would be better for my wife and Darth Jr. if I were to keep my relationship with the Raiders exclusively on a fan level. I already feel like a retard driving home in this get-up after watching the Raiders get prison-raped, I don’t need to actually be somewhat responsible for it as well.” In an exclusive phone interview with FAI, Shell expressed his displeasure with the news that the Raiders are moving on. “What the hell? I’m the frigging head coach of this team! I just ordered business cards and everything! Why doesn’t anyone respect that? I’m supposed to be preparing for the draft and I have to deal with this crap? I’m going to have to have a little chat with Big Al over this.” Shell said he first heard the news when Manpower, the nation’s biggest employer of temporary workers called him. “Yeah, I thought maybe they didn’t get my hours this week or something, but then they asked me when my last day will be so they can send my resume out to some prospective employers, and I was like, ‘Hold the phone – what’s this all about?’ I mean, sure I’m employed right now by a temp agency, but Al told me that was only because they were changing over the company’s insurance or some crap. Man I feel like an idiot.” Davis regrets the decision, but tried to explain the gaffe. “It was a joke, really. Someone in the board room suggested we hire Art back, and we all laughed. It was nice to have a little levity at such a stressful time. But then somehow it got out and the next thing I know, Art’s showing up for work. Poor guy. No one had the heart to tell him we were just kidding, so we kinda kept him around. But seriously, if anyone with any basic knowledge of football hears this and wants to be a bona fide NFL head coach, give me a call. Even if you’re good at Madden, holla!” |